Thursday, June 11, 2009

Recipe of the Week: Rhino Fries

These tasty fried meat-snacks make a perfect appetizer at any summer BBQ or dinner. I like to make a little Chilean Sea-bass-blood aoili to dip them in, but any ketchup works just fine.

Ingredients:

  • Cut strips of Rhino Meat* (pref. skin on)
  • Frying oil (high temp)
  • Safari Sam's Endangered Game Seasoning Rub

Directions:

Coat the meat/skin slices in the seasoning rub. Deep-fry until the ends curl up and start to lightly smoke. There will be a slight odor of burning hair when you remove them from the oil.

*About those slices:

There are many cuts of meat on the rhinoceros that are suitable for frying. Ideally you want to choose something close to the skin, such as the Chuck, Frank, or Shank. See the following picture for details.

Important Notice: Apparently a lot of people are killing rhinos and taking just their horns, leaving a nasty bloody carcass lying around to piss off all the people in Africa concerned with Endangered Something or other. Now, I was taught in school that brown people use every part of the animal, so I don't know what's going on there. I'm told that the ground horn is used in potions and is somehow involved in all that penis-enlarging spam we all get. Weird.

So anyway, if you go out there to kill a Rhino, DO NOT just cut off the bits you want out in the field and shove off for home and the deep-fryer. This will be a sure sign to the local authorities that you are a huge asshole, and they can probably shoot at you, like, legally.

No, you're going to have to take the whole damn thing back with you. You'll get looks and questions from customs and whatnot, but you just tell them the sonofabitch charged you is all. Not a damn thing you could do. Self Defense. Nothing to do but take steady aim on that big, beautiful head and silently will for the mighty beast to veer his course, to stay his thundering tread and cease the murderous charge towards you, and your wife and children - trapped in the jeep behind you, screaming in terror, screaming for you. Not a lot of choice there, mister. Endangered or not, no son-of-a-fucking White Rhinoceros is going to take your family from you, not now, not on your vacation you hulking, gorgeous sonofabitch. Stop goddammit! Stop this insane show of desperate grandstanding before we both do something we can never take back!

Massive gray feet crush the dry brush beneath them. The meters tick off. A vast and voluminous cloud of ochre dust has risen behind the charging giant. It rolls and boils across the brush like a sandstorm rising.

"It doesn't have to be this way. I beg of you."

You take aim, just off center of his lowered skull, just inside the bony occipital ridge where the skull is thin and a bullet fired true and straight might punch through, and be-still the brain of this ancient juggernaut.

"Damn you for making me do this"

Eye to the iron sights, you exhale slowly. Mind blank, the internal accountant plots out the speed of the creature, the distance, the gust of hot equatorial wind. You lay your finger on the trigger and wait one last, eternal second.

"Last chance, Rhino"

CRACK the butt kicks, you work the bolt CRACK the monster stumbles a step, but rushes onward CRACK he finally, mercifully, topples forward into a spray of dirt, rocks, dust, and blood. You lower the rifle and drop to your knees. As the hot rush of blood leaves your ears, you become aware of your children behind you, still trapped in the burning jeep and gather the strength to save them again.

Most of the park rangers and airport ladies aren't really going to question you there. Nobody wants a pissed off American suing all over the place for his burnt to death trampled and ate by rhino wife and kids.

Oh, and don't take any of those deals where you wait a flight and get a voucher. That thing will spoil, and smell.

Leftovers can be frozen and re-heated in a toaster oven. Microwaving is discouraged.

I'll try and get a recipe up for that aoili later.

*edit: If you are thinking about a White Rhino Burger to go with these fries, you might want to check here first.

-CC

1 comment:

  1. If I eat Rhino Fries made of energon cubes, will I be able to turn into a semi truck with a giant laser rifle?

    If not, why not; and if so is there a danger of priapism?

    Thanx.

    Enjoying your blog lately btw. Very good for a noob.

    -CT

    ReplyDelete